A psychodynamic view of early mother-child relationships
The mother-child relationship is special and important, and early experiences largely determine the development of the individual’s personality. In this text we will look at it from a psychodynamic perspective.
How does it all begin?
The mother-child relationship begins in the fantasy of the expectant mother long before the baby is conceived. If we look at a five-year-old girl playing with her dolls, for example, in this game we can find out about the emotional relationship of that girl’s mother to her and vice versa. Is she gentle and careful? Is she stroking the doll or is she hitting it?
The mother-child relationship depends largely on the mother’s relationship with her mother. The way of emotional connection between mother and child, with always new changes, is passed on from generation to generation. So in the game of doll girl we can see some of the relations with her future child. The fantasy of that child, which will come to the world decades later, changes over the course of development depending on further emotional experiences. It becomes more intense if the former girl as a girl starts to want a baby, and is especially expressed in pregnant women.
Pregnant women often dream of their child, of their gender, appearance, psychic traits and the relationship they will build and nurture once they are born.
When a child comes into the world
English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduces the term “primary maternal preoccupation” as a heightened state of sensitivity that develops over time, especially at the end of pregnancy, to last several weeks after birth and then gradually disappear. Winnicott describes the condition as “madness” developed by a healthy mother. The mother in this state directs all her resources towards recognizing and meeting the needs of the child, which becomes the center of her interest, which enables the mother to adapt to the child and to become sensitive to his or her needs. We all have personal experience or know a mother who was in this condition. Her eyes are only on the baby, she recognizes her every movement from the other room and doesn’t seem to care whether she sleeps or eats alone – only the baby matters.
Winnicott also introduces the term “holding” a child into the literature , which refers to the totality of the mother’s care at a time when the child is completely physiologically and psychologically dependent on the care he or she provides. Holding is a form of motherly love that is expressed through holding the baby in her arms, literally and metaphorically. Support is therefore not only about physical needs, but also about maternal empathy. As the child grows and matures, so the form of support needed, in physical and emotional sense, changes, that is, follows the developmental needs of the child. The mother derives her emotions, knowledge, and abilities from the care of her child from the knowledge, intuition, and earliest experiences of her childhood.
The Perfect Mother – Myth or Reality?
Often, society imposes on the woman a picture of the perfect mother who is actually unrealistic and causes her mother to constantly question whether she is good, whether she treats the child properly, can she do better… The mother cannot and should not be perfect. It is necessary, as Winnicott says, to be a “good enough mother” who is able to recognize and follow the needs of her child, which sometimes goes wrong, but overall, she is there for her child.
A good enough mother can be better, for the child, but also for herself, if she has support in the family, especially in the father. The mother-father relationship, as well as the feelings the father has on the child, greatly determine the mother-child relationship.
Early Childhood Development
Hungarian psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler calls the phase from birth to the second month of life a normal autistic phase. At this stage for the infant there is no difference between the external and internal reality, between him and his environment.
At the end of the second month, the child becomes more aware of his surroundings, first of all the mother who nourishes and nurtures him, that is, meets his needs. The child gradually associates in his memory the image of the contours of the mouth, nose and eyes with feeding, and will calm down by approaching the human face when he is hungry, before receiving food. The symbiotic relationship between mother and child is characterized by the smile that the child sends to the mother. This smile is also called the ” smile of the third month”, which psychoanalyst Rene Spitz also calls the first organizer of the psyche. To most parents, those first smiles and indicators that a child recognizes them are especially touching.
After the symbiosis phase in which the child experiences himself and his mother as one, which, according to Margaret Mahler, lasts until about six months of age, the phase of separation-individuation begins, which lasts until about the third year of life and is divided into several sub-phases:
- Differentiation (from 6 to 10 months)
The child shows increasing interest in the environment. Separation from the mother is accompanied by greater or lesser separation anxiety, which is manifested through the “fear of strangers” during the eighth month . The appearance of this fear Spitz called another organizer of the psyche.
2.Practice (from 10 to 15 months)
At this stage, the child begins to crawl and walk allowing him / her to become familiar with the environment. This is a time when the child throws toys and objects out of the crib, plays hide-and-seek, knock-knock, and every time he or she feels pleased to see the thrown toy or face again. In this way, the child becomes assured that when the mother leaves, he or she will return again, that the world is safe and predictable.
3.Rapprochement (16 to 24 months)
A child about the first year of walk, he speaks, he understands his surroundings better.
He becomes more aware of physical separation from his mother and that is when the fear of separation is strongest. He separates himself from his mother, explores surroundings to return to mother, and seeks her closeness. He usually finds a toy or item (teddy bear, blanket) that is a “replacement for his mother” and allows him to more easily disassociate himself from what we often call a transitional object. In the second year of a child expresses his disapproval and often, when the mother is looking for something to it, using the word “not” , by Spitz ‘third organizer of the psyche”. Many parents that other years and defiance of the child concerned, but this development is perfectly normal behavior.
- Constancy of the object (from 24 to 36 months)
At this stage, the child internalizes the positive inner image of his mother (“wearing” her even when she does not see her), which allows him to feel as safe in the presence of his mother even in situations where he is longer separated from his mother.
Children who have positive inner images of their mothers feel supported in adulthood and can develop good, stable relationships with others.
Is it just mothers?
According to classical psychoanalytic theory, the mother is spoken of, but of course, the child’s primary figure may be the father or any other adult caring for him. First, early relationships leave a significant impact on the formation of a child’s personality, but even if they were inadequate, we now know that with corrective relationships with others during childhood, adolescence, and adulthood and through psychotherapy, we can change, overcome some difficulties that they are rooted in early childhood and be emotionally accessible, good enough parents to their children if we decide to have one someday.
By: Iva Pupić, Psychiatrist Specialist and Mia Roje Đapić, MSc. psychology
Disclaimer: This is unofficial translation provided for information purposes. Zagreb Child and Youth Protection Center cannot be held legally responsible for any translation inaccuracy.
